The Paradoxical Theory of Change
..change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. Change does not take place through a coercive attempt by the individual or by another person to change him, but it does take place if one takes the time and effort to be what he is — to be fully invested in his current positions. Arnold Beisser, M.D.
The paradoxical theory of change found in Beisser’s article is one of my favourite Gestalt concepts. I’m reposting an old blog today, to start off October’s Self Esteem Booster at Blue Skies. You can join in 31 days of self acceptance by ‘liking’ my Facebook page. Tips will be posted each day.
It struck me again today how the person centred values of empathy and being non-judgemental are not just ways of creating a nice, fluffy therapeutic environment but that they are radical and political and turn the world on its head. They assume what the paradoxical theory of change assumes, that we do not need to change others or ourselves.
The Gestalt therapist rejects the role of “changer,” for his strategy is to encourage, even insist, that the patient be where and what he is. He believes change does not take place by “trying,” coercion, or persuasion, or by insight, interpretation, or any other such means. Rather, change can occur when the patient abandons, at least for the moment, what he would like to become and attempts to be what he is. The premise is that one must stand in one place in order to have firm footing to move and that it is difficult or impossible to move without that footing. (Ibid)
So often we say, “I’m trying”. Trying to lose weight, to finish our essay, to relax, to stop crying, to get it right. Trying doesn’t work half as well as being. Stopping trying is radical. Compassion, non-judgement and empathy for ourselves and others, support this radical step. Imogen http://www.imogenragone.net/blog/ said to me as I tried to relax my shoulders, that she often teaches her students, “if you are trying, you are not doing it”.
When we try to be who we are not, we stay more and more stuck in a cycle of attempting the impossible and of failure to become someone else’s version of us. When we are compassionate and accept ‘what is’, who we are, then profound change happens, we move by standing still in acceptance. Less effort can be more productive. At a physical level this is what I experienced from my experience with Alexander Technique last week and psychologically, I know my brain function improves when my physiology is relaxed.
Sometimes we seem to need to justify our expression of feelings, “It’s because I’m tired / hormonal / it happened before / I had a bad week”. Why do we feel we have to build a court case to simply be? I sometimes explain to my clients that when we sneeze, blink or hiccough we don’t go into long justifications, we know we are blinking because we need to blink, we don’t feel a need to explain this. So is a weep or a shout or and excited jumping up and down really so unacceptable we have to apply for permission, quoting extenuating circumstances, before we can experience and express it?
What would it be like to just BE, to stop trying and and justifying and explaining? Effortless, I imagine.
Thank you Miriam Granthier for the Self Esteem Booster–perfect timing.
You are welcome, Jane, I’m glad to support you remembering what you are worth 🙂
Just the thought of simply being as I am and not trying so hard feels light, easy and relaxing. Its so simple. Not necessarily easy….but simple.
Yes, just breathe out and there you are … perfect!
Very good point… I only just got a couple of years back that “trying” was endlessly insinuating its way into so many of my intentions… it still slips in to my and my family’s vocabulary… but it is amazing what happens when I catch it! Thanks for the reminder, Miriam 🙂
Yes, it’s such a shame when we get involved in trying, I agree, because it discounts where and who we are already. Enjoy being you and thank you for commenting!
interesting there can be so much pressure to be changing and updating in life and changing for the sake of change! its an interesting perspective to be where you’re at now, I guess in the moment and for that to be enough!
Yes, it’s for that reason I’m not a fan of ‘make overs’ because it seems like we are saying we need so much improvement. Just be, lots quicker than a make-over! Thank you for commenting Jakeb!
Love this blog post, and love the paradoxical theory of change! It’s SO fundamental to my work too. And thanks for the links and references to my website and the Alexander Technique. Much appreciated.
Being is so much easier than trying! I am immensely grateful for your help on my realisation of this concept, and your support of my writing.
I really appreciate your comment on how we can build a court case to justify ourselves when we absolutely don’t need to! All we “need” to do is just be. Such a relief. Nice topic!
Yes, I think people feel they have to justify feelings. This can mean getting side tracked from feeling sad / angry etc into trying to work out why they feel it. I find that if I simply feel it, without getting involved in the wheres and why-fores, it may only last 30 seconds and ‘boof’ it’s gone, just like a sneeze or a hiccoup . I was once having a body treatment and began to cry, 30 seconds later I began to laugh. I had to explain to my practitioner – “I’m just laughing because I’ve realised I’ve been running around like a headless chicken for several days to avoid a 30 second cry!”. Just being is so much faster, so much more effective than trying or running! Thank you for taking time to read my blog.
Best line: “we move by standing still in acceptance.” Love that. Thank you for this thoughtful and thought-provoking article.
That’s kind, Susan, yes, standing still in acceptance is worth while.
Yes I love this and I am guilty of being a big trier.. lol I try so hard but I do find my best change happens when I surrender and allow. I would love my boyfriend to read this blog because I believe he does the same… Thank you!! <3 <3 <3
LOL, I think you might be ‘trying’ to help him rather than letting him be…? I can get into that too, so you have reminded me in this comment how my best relationship improvemnts have come about when I let it go… You are a wonderful ‘being’ hope you can be less of a ‘human doing’ today!
A great post, Miriam. I love the way you remind us that our natural state of being is simply effortless.
Thank you for reading! Yes, and we can use a lot of energy by trying to do and not being.