Renee Nicole Goode thought that if she was unthreatening and polite that she could handle a conversation with aggressive, armed men.
Women learn from a very young age how to handle men. This varies according to their unique circumstances, but defaults are formed and embedded at a young age. I do not know of a woman who has not at some point been, or felt, threatened by a man; most women I know have been assaulted by a man and some have been nearly murdered. Also from the beginning of our life, there is an assumption that everyone is straight. This assumption is either correct, incorrect, or will do for now, as after all a woman’s sexuality is hardly relevant as long as she does as she’s told.
Lesbians are the enemy of the patriarchy. They are not available for men sexually, or to service them in other ways through laundry, child rearing, being nice, listening to them, giving emotional support and being a core pillar for their career and promotions. Even nice men don’t really know what to do with lesbians. The women I call Pioneer Lesbians, to distinguish them from the Later-in-Life Lesbians who I work with and write for, know this.
Pioneer Lesbians are likely to have been physically attacked or to have been threatened with physical attack on the basis of being a lesbian. They are hyper vigilant. They may appear to verge on paranoid. Pioneer Lesbians are used to being a target for the violence that arises from male fragility.
Later-in-Life Lesbians have had a lot more experience of using their “feminine charms”. When this phrase is stripped back, feminine charms means that men perceive them as potential for an ego boost or sexual encounter. Lesbians do not have this so-called privilege.
When women come out later, they do not often perceive themselves as having had straight privilege, and understandably so. Straight women and Later-in-Life Lesbians’ privilege often comes or came at a cost. They might not have had control of their finances, their career, their social life, their activities and their bodies.
It is often later down the line that Later-in-Life Lesbians take on board that they now belong to a minority group that is not protected by the social norms of “women and children first“.
When it comes to ICE, women are a minority group and extremely vulnerable. If you are a woman of colour or a lesbian, doubly so. ICE are armed and wear protective clothing and they will will be backed by the state if they murder women or people of colour.
Renée Goode had been married to 2 men and her third marriage was to Rebecca her wife. Her last words were, “I’m not mad at you“. When I heard this, I was reminded of myself and my responses to aggressive drivers when I might smile, wave or blow them kisses. I looked at myself and realised I won’t do that again. Not that Renée or Rebecca were in any way to blame for what happened. They were supporting their neighbours, as I hope I would do in that situation.
When I was young, I used to wonder if I had lived in Nazi Germany would I have been courageous enough to help the Jews? This was before I realised more recently that I myself would have been in the minority group as I am partly Jewish and I am lesbian.
When women first come out later in life, the joy of authentic expression, of themselves and their love for a woman, holds them in a bubble. They will walk down the street holding hands or kiss goodbye at the train station. She’s always held her partners’ hands, why should it be different? If their partner is a Pioneer Lesbian, one of them experiences hyper-vigilance and anxiety while the other does not.
Then come the homophobic attacks. For me the first big one after I was out was the Pulse Nightclub shooting. Being an ally and witnessing such things is completely different to being in the minority group, and it was a shock to discover this. For some Later-in-Life Lesbians, Renee Goode will be their moment of realising they’re in the minority group. The question I should’ve been asking myself all those years ago is not would I hide Jews from the Gestapo but could I have survived the Holocaust?
When I say, “this is the thing that Later-in-Life Lesbians don’t know,” of course I mean, it’s the thing they don’t know at first.
I love Renée Goode, her wife, all that they stood for and were doing on that day. Perhaps it wasn’t that they weren’t afraid enough, perhaps they were afraid and did it anyway. Recent recordings have caught ICE officers calling people “lesbian bitches”. They have no compunction in killing people of colour or lesbians, even women and children.
So, now we know.
Miriam Grace is a senior psychotherapist in the UK and author of Coming Out Lesbian: A Midlife Companion (to be published, 2026 JKP/Hachette)
